I have discovered recently that I am in fact incredibly attractive.
Not, it must be said, to members of the fairer sex who by and large tend to regard me with thinly veiled disgust or at best a form of sad pity. My incredibly beautiful wife missed her chance to run more than10 years ago and I’ve been holding on tightly there in case she realises her mistake.
My body, it seems, is a positive temple of worship to the insect community – especially those nasty little blighters who enjoy a good nibble around midnight on some freshly prepared, succulent and tender exposed man-skin. Currently I’m on holiday (of the kind seen on ‘DIY nightmare’ TV programmes) at our French pile of rubble and since our arrival a growing number of incredibly irritating and itchy bites have appeared on shoulders, arms and legs. These turn to red blotches like scarlet birthmarks all over .. I’m not pretty stripped off at the best of times, but now I really am quite a sight!
No amount of anti-mosquito cream or anti-bite sprays (which I have been liberally covering myself in each evening before retiring) is making a blind bit of difference .. if anything I am beginning to seriously wonder if it is in fact turning me into a positively irresistible feast for the nearby insect fraternity. I’m probably high on the list of ‘best places to dine’ in Southern France in the insects’ Yellow Pages.
My dear wife and three lovely girls have been entirely spared sharing in this unpleasantness, clearly by my selfless sacrifice.
So, if you fancy a summer holiday completely free of insect bites time just take a Dave and let him spare you all the problems. I can assure you I work better than any cream or spray you’ll ever find.
I’m delighted not to be part of those people who regard you with thinly veiled disgust or at best a form of sad pity. They’re the ones missing out!
Hope that the positive temple of worship to the insect community clears up quickly…